Christmas has brought new light to the trying relationship between my mother and I.
This is an attempt to explore the feelings around this relationship, to find peace and accept her as she is and me as I am.
I know she is full of love and good intention, I do not question her love for me…I do struggle to express and show my own. What is the reason for this?
Idea one: Her manner is brusque, often times short and unintentionally offensive. She does not intend to be mean, or maybe she does, either way her words sting. When I am around her and the rest of our family I spend half my time defending her actions and behavior to others and the other half being offended by her. I feel caged and unable to express my true sentiment….like if I acknowledge all the things that other people say she will irreversibly become only those things…easily agitated, impatient, brusque, mean…but is she not already all those things? Is she not also – loving, caring, compassionate…..? The intensity of my detachment is amplified by the fact that my true feelings or thoughts are never expressed….that to the rest of the world I idealize her and to her I am distant and unapproachable. I need to admit that she is all of those things that people say and accept that does not make her a bad person. I need to stop defending and accept….I am resisting the truth, and building a fantasy world for her….then when she enters and she does not play out my fantasy I am somehow angry at her, disappointed that she has not lived up to my role for her and detach.
I need to accept her as she is and accept the hurt and feeling that other people have towards her. Accept it all with love and compassion.
I need to be the bigger person, to show love to her….she only needs to be loved…she has been left alone so much in this life, maybe that is due to her—-but in any case everybody needs loves…yearns for it. She has not received much of it and so doesn’t know how to ask for it…her attempts to ask for it come out accusatory and blamey…or they are received that way….but all she needs and wants is to be loved. Can I give her that?
Yes! I accept you momma…I accept your short outbursts, I accept your impatience, I know that it does not mean that you love me any less…Your brusque semi-offense comments – I don’t understand those….why do you do that? Do you think it’s funny?….do you not find it rude…I don’t think you would be rude on purpose…so to you it’s just completely normal acceptable commentary and I can’t change that…All I can change is my reaction to that. So I choose not to be offended by it! I choose to believe that you mean no harm and perhaps do not realize the gravity of what you say at times.
I love you and accept you and by doing this I accept all the parts of you that are apparent in me.