Holy Shenanigans, it’s been a while since I checked-in and lived up to my own challenge. Wonderfully, I don’t feel guilty at all!
So what have I been up to all this time? Obviously not being deeply introspective, nope – the opposite. I’ve been out enjoying life, enjoying the fruits of my labor sewn right here on these very pages. By creating this blog, by reestablishing my creative outlet and by creating a platform to vent and analyze and inspect all my toils and troubles and uglies, I’ve been able to more easily let them roll off my back. And wow, that feels GOOD. Like crazy sunglasses and wild hair, lip syncing to Duran Duran, GOOD!
I do, however, realize and acknowledge that I cannot leave this project. The very momentum this blog has given me is exactly what is drifting me away from it. I recognize this and see it as a pattern in my life. I’ve often times found myself in a place where I am struggling with, whatever – struggling to be happy despite all the awesome things around me.
So things are hard, what happens? I recognize I need to make some serious changes and do some serious ‘work’, and so I do. And BOOM, things get better and off I go, enjoying life ignoring the ‘work’ that brought me the ability to enjoy again.
This version of life feels like a roller coaster ride and looks like those intimidating Intervals charts on the treadmill. It’s all thrills when you are up and all angst when you are down and the contrast gives you the ability to so acutely see the difference between the two. But what if I didn’t need to spend all this energy picking myself up, what if I could maintain balance in my life and feel good like this the majority of the time? Well the truth is, I do. Most of the time I am happy and positive person and I do work to maintain that. But what I am discovering is that my system for happiness is reactive rather than proactive. All is good in my world and I just go on living, being positive, giving gratitude, all the tricks of the trade, it’s almost become TOO easy. Suddenly something unexpected swings into my life and throws me off kilter and I lose my balance and despite all my best efforts I just can’t find my happy mojo. So then I wade around in my own self-loathing for a an hour or a day or a week or whatever it may be until I give myself a kick-start and start living my joy again… So I’ve reached the next level in my pursuit of happiness and I need to add a new practice to keep moving forward and get off this roller coaster. Writing is this new practice and by-gone-it, I’m gonna to stick to it. What I know is, right now I feel good, and I need to continue writing to continue feeling good. This is a lifestyle and not a crash diet.
It’s possibly far more interesting to listen to a sad and angsty person blather on than a happy person but regardless I’m going to write about all the fun I’ve been having.
Last weekend I went on a solo trip, leaving my daughter with her dad and granny and took off to Miami for a serious weekend of R&R and pampering. Originally all I wanted was to be alone and write, but I ended up travelling with a new friend and we had a blast. It was great fun to travel with someone I hardly knew and put me out of my comfort zone just enough to keep things interesting and inspired. All the things I talked about wanting to spend my time doing in my ABOUT section I DID, and it was AWESOME! I booked a private wake surf lesson and spent 1 hour on the water. I had TWO spa sessions in TWO DAYS! That’s right. Actually I had a pedicure, a manicure and a facial ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Sorry for the caps, but this blew my mind and I need shout about it. I blew through money like water and acted like I didn’t care. I ate delicious food and enjoyed interesting conversation and full nights sleep and it was all glorious and exactly what I was needing.
The distance from my family did indeed make the heart grow fonder and my respect and appreciation for my partner and husband has grown ten-fold as he not only took amazing care of our 1.5 year old while I was gone but also encouraged and enabled me to take the time I needed to just be FREE. Similarly both my daughter’s infatuation with me and mine for her have been refreshed, and while of course things still get a bit trying at times, my rope that was tethered and frayed and about to snap has been repaired and can handle a few more heavy storms.
I appreciate that running away is not the solution for all situations and that I should strive to find more equilibrium in my life on a continual basis to keep myself from arriving at the same state again. At the same time, being a parent is tough and ‘alone time’ is almost non-existent. Obligation muddies passion and sometime you just need to BREAK LOOSE to TASTE FREEDOM to be reminded that you wouldn’t trade what you have at home for the world. I left wanting only to be alone and I came back raving about how excited I was to take out next family trip.
Life is all about balance and its OK to create your own time and that time does not have to only be 1 hour here and there, at yoga or at the gym. Every person deserves two-nights straight without being woken up by a baby, two days straight not having to go to work and not having to pick up toys, not having to cook dinner and not having to deal with dishes. Two days where you get to do only what YOU want to do, two days to feel totally feel free and unencumbered, except you get to do a lot more cool stuff because you DO have a stable home life and job and you are not looking for love or wishing you had someone else to spend that time with because it’s all at home waiting for you, supporting your journey. This is family, this is love and its friggen awesome!