This is an absolutely crazy time. I am 40 weeks pregnant, awaiting the arrival of daughter number two while also chasing around an insane two-year-old with an independent streak that might run even deeper than her momma’s (if that’s possible.) In order to have a natural birth in a non hospital setting we have packed up life in the sunny Bahamas for 2 months and set up camp in my mother’s house, state-side. Aside from complete upheaval of all that is comfortable and routine, on top of hormones and the EFFING TERRIBLE TWO’s, there is the added layer of being back in my mother’s house to contend with…OOFT, Next Level Uncomfortable.
Every day carries new struggles and every day I question my choice to coming back here to deliver, still somehow things feel oddly right (well, every other day they do).
Last Sunday I had a break down/ break through as I huffed around the house in a hurry to get kiddo, hubby and myself ready for a brunch date with friends (having woken up right at the time we actually needed to be AT BRUNCH due to a 2 hour tantrum session at 3:00am). Finally in the bathroom on my own, my hormones were raging; irrational and sleep deprived I sunk down against the checked 70’s bathroom tiling and made big ugly crying faces. After a good long cry I heaved myself up and resting my palms against the sink to support my giant belly weight looked in the mirror at this snotty, drooly, tired eyed, swollen faced monster, and just felt utterly miserable and sorry for myself. My lips quivered all fat and tear laden, ‘I can’t take it any more. That’s all I’ve got, I’m at the end of my rope,’ I said out loud. And then out of the back of my head came my sensible savior voice and it said, ‘then make your rope longer….’ And BOOM I DID. The most obvious solution. I was stretched thin, run ragged and at the very edge of what I could handle and then suddenly I wasn’t anymore…breathing room. Tears dried, concealer applied, feeble attempts at not looking like a hot mess and out the door we went to enjoy what turned out to be a lovely day.
This is pretty much my daily reality and yet every day, I expand just a little bit more. Every day I can handle more than I could the day before and every day I make my rope just that one inch longer that can get me through another sleepless night. My body is stretched to the absolute maximum, emotionally and mentally I’m at the outer limits of what I can handle , nothing feels comfortable or secure and my heart is literally about to explode because I am so filled with love for this new being. When I first became pregnant I wondered how I would every love another child as much as I love my first and now as I continue to expand I feel the limitlessness of my love and the ability to take on any challenge. I feel the expansive nature of my deepest self and I am insanely grateful for the opportunity to suffer through this beautiful evolution.
Motherhood is beautiful. Breaking down to break through. I feel like a butterfly that was a caterpillar yesterday (who may or may not have eaten one ice cream cone, one pickle, one piece of salami, once slice of apple pie……..)